11 Ways of Building Self Confidence

Truth is what we agree on anti more information comes along

When you’re confident you feel secure in yourself and your abilities. Not arrogant but quietly certain that you’re capable of handling what shows up in your life. Confidence is necessary for you to back yourself to move forward into the unknown to reach your goals and your dreams. Everyone agrees that confidence is important but far fewer people have solid advice on how to become more confident.

External events and outcomes can increase or decrease your confidence. You have no control over those externals except in the way you choose to respond. Stronger self-confidence creates better responses. So here they are, 11 ways of building self-confidence you can start implementing today. 

1. Make your Relationship with the Most Important Person in Your Life the Best it can be

William Glasser said that everything is a relationship issue. What you probably forget is that the most important relationship you have is with yourself. When you relate to anyone, including yourself, you are either connecting or disconnecting. 

Build your confidence with connecting habits
Smash your Confidence with disconnecting habits

2. Take the Best Care of your Body that you Can

When you value something you take care of it, right? Your body is the only vessel you have to experience life through. It’s a marvel of engineering but it can also cause you a lot of pain. Some of this pain is outside of your control but you do have a lot of control over the way your body looks and feels. The way your body looks and feels can add or detract from your confidence. 

Instead of taking care of your body do you have a tendency to use your body for comfort? If you’re comforting yourself with food, alcohol or vegging out you’re not caring for your body you’re abusing your body.  

You can keep doing this or you can look at the underlying causes of your stress and manage the symptoms better while you sort those causes out.

3. Meeting your Needs

You have five genetic needs: survival, power, love and belonging, fun, and freedom. Everyone has the same five needs to varying degrees. If you can meet those needs successfully you will be confident and happy. 

Enter your email address on the sidebar so we can send you our Needs Profile and Satisfaction Questionnaire. You can then see how well you’re meeting your needs and how this could be dragging down your confidence.

4. Focus on what you can Control

There’s only ever one thing in life that can you control and that’s you in the present moment. Blaming yourself for your past choices, or allowing yourself to get down for long over things that are outside of your control is waste of time.

Practice being the best you can be in everything you do then let everything else go. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by what’s going on around you. Most of this will be outside of your control. Pull your attention in around what you’re doing and focus on it fully. Bring joy and enthusiasm to your tasks and appreciate your efforts.

5. Do what Brings You Joy

Joy is the greatest currency of the universe. Feeling joyful builds confidence.  It feels great to feel great.

Doing the things that you love is usually the first thing you drop when you’re under pressure. When you do that you’re telling yourself that you aren’t as important to yourself as other people, and other things.

6. Accept what is Showing up

Accepting what is showing up in your life and learning how to deal with it successfully is an amazing way of building confidence. Unless you’re in imminent physical danger, the basis of most fear is the idea that you won’t be able to handle something that might happen. So each time that you do handle something successfully you’re building your confidence. 

7. Glance in your Rear Vision Mirror Every Now and Then

You can’t get where you want to go by staring at your rear vision mirror. That’s why your rear vision mirror isn’t very big and your windscreen, by comparison,  is huge. It does help your confidence however if you glance at where you’ve been and how far you’ve come, now and then. 

2020 – A Largely DIY Project

8. Stop Comparing Yourself

Part of having a great relationship with yourself is to really value and appreciate who you are, your unique talents, and your journey. It’s very difficult to do that if you’re always comparing yourself to other people. So STOP IT!!

9. Check your Perception

Truth is the information you agree on until more information comes along. If the information that you’re giving yourself, via your thoughts and actions isn’t working for you go out and get some different perspectives. Ask people who you trust what they think. Gather information from reputable sources and if necessary change your perception or change your behaviours until you’re in alignment. 

10. Check your Quality World Pictures

Your Quality world pictures are the ideas you have about the things that you need to be happy. Confidence is part of happiness because it takes confidence to be able to meet your needs. If you’re having trouble meeting your needs there are three things you can change: your thoughts and actions, your perceptions, or your quality world pictures. If your quality world pictures are unrealistic or unattainable your confidence will keep getting battered. You don’t have to completely wipe your dreams and aspirations but they might need tweaking. 

11. Learn how to Manage Stress and Anxiety

How to Deal with Stress and Anxiety Effectively

Stress and anxiety are a vicious cocktail when it comes to wrecking self-confidence. When you’re highly stressed your lizard brain kicks in and your lizard brain only has a couple of options: fight or flight. It developed that way to save you from physical threats. Today’s issues require the more modern parts of your brain to help you strategise yourself out of your problems. You need to think clearly and you can’t do that with old lizard brain in charge.

As always thanks for visiting and I hope this post has helped you gain some clarity over confidence-building. If you don’t already receive regular communication from us sign up for the Needs Profile in the sidebar so we can keep in touch. You can also book an online counselling appointment with Jeff below.

To a more confident you 🙂


Jeff Steedman and Deb Burns

Am I Really in Control?

In Control

Do you feel stressed and anxious because your life seems out of your control? Believing that you are ever really in control of your life is a fantasy. There’s only ever one thing in life that can you control, that’s you and that’s enough.

We often measure wellbeing against how “in control” we feel. That’s fine as long as we remember that the only thing we can really control is ourselves.

When life is peaceful, predictable, and going along nicely it’s relatively easy to be in control of your thoughts and emotions. But it doesn’t take much for that control to jump right out the window. The pandemic is one of those things that has thrown many people off course. The impact of other people, illness, or maybe even your own ambitions can throw your control of yourself off course.

Your Time is so Precious

Your time is the most precious thing you have. Without time you have nothing else. So why would you waste any of it stressing out about things that you have no control over?

The idea that your stress levels and emotions are the direct result of your thoughts, is relatively new. It’s easy to blame situations and other people for your emotions. You may even think it’s justified. But by taking responsibility for your thoughts and the emotional results of those thoughts, you’ll have so much more control over your life.

Knowing that upsetting yourself with things outside of your control is unwise, is one thing. Being able to manage your thoughts so that you aren’t upset is another.

Take Responsibility for your Thoughts

Taking responsibility for your thoughts is the first step to increasing the control you have over yourself. The next step is even more challenging because it requires consistent work. Work that ultimately only you can do.

Decide which thoughts serve you and will get you where you want to go. Hang onto those thoughts tightly. Put them up on post-it notes around your workspace or on your fridge. This is evidence that you can use to create more positive thoughts.

You may be surprised when you start observing your thoughts. They’re likely to be far more negative and critical than you expected. Sometimes you’ll want to give into them. But what will help you take control of your life is to challenge them. Challenge them with thoughts that are believable. You probably won’t be able to believe that you’re amazing at something. And there will always be people that are better than you. But you can believe that you’re good enough.

What if I’m Not Good Enough?

This is the underlying thought that undoes so many people. Don’t let it undo you. It’s a thought that won’t serve you. Keep reminding yourself that you are good enough. Keep reading your post-it notes, with all your evidence displayed right where you’ll see it. But if the thought persists, at some point, you’ll need to confront it if you want to have as much control over your life as you can.

Of course you’re good enough, everybody is. And good enough for what anyway? This thought is probably coming up for you in just one or two areas of your life. Take some time to evaluate the thought. Imagine an old-fashioned set of scales. Put this thought on one side and all the evidence you have to the contrary on the other side.

If your scales continue to tilt towards the side of “I’m not good enough,” then re-evaluate what you’re trying to do. Ask people who you trust what they think to make sure that your perception is valid. Maybe there are things you could do that would increase your confidence in yourself? Ultimately there’s no point pushing ahead with something that you have a strong underlying belief can’t work.

Pushing Forward with your Best Thoughts

The scales are a great visual reminder of what’s true for you. Maybe with more information it will no longer be true. That doesn’t matter. That’s something for the future.

Right now, if your scales tilt towards the positive evidence that you are good enough to do or have what you want, then align with your thoughts and get going. You can re-evaluate later and maybe change course if necessary. But right now, use your evidence to create more thoughts that put you in control of whatever you’re trying to achieve. If not consider one of our life-changing courses.

Life-Changing Courses from Choice Theory Online

Stress-Less Training

Deal with Stress & Anxiety Effectively
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Feel More in Control in Just Four Days

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A Meme a Day and a Post Fresh from Deb’s Keyboard

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How to Create an Awesome Morning Routine you’ll Stick to

Create a morning routine you'll stick to

Have you noticed that when you set an intention for the day things generally work out better than days when you don’t? This is because you’re taking responsibility for your energy, your thoughts, and your actions. Set yourself up each day to do this with a morning routine. 

Setting a Wake-up Time

First, think about your optimal wake-up time. If you’re not a morning person trying to get up a 5:00 am is probably not going to give you the best start to the day. You’ll be better getting up later and using your evenings to achieve things. 

Now set your wake-up time so that you have time for your morning routine before you start your day.

Setting an optimal wake-up time can be tricky if you have young children because you’re never quite sure when they’ll surface. Get up with enough time to move through your routine according to their usual wake-up time but be prepared to change as they change.

Once you have your routine set in place you can break it up If you have an early riser. Just slip in the elements of your routine as your morning allows. A morning routine should serve you, not the other way around, so be prepared to go with the flow. 

Your morning routine can include anything you want that helps you set your intentions and your energy for the day. Following someone else’s routine will never be as effective as a routine that you’ve put together yourself. You’ll also be much less likely to stick to it. 

This Way of Creating a Morning Routine is Different and here’s Why?

No morning routine will work if you don’t get out of bed in time to move through it. That’s why it’s important to make the first thing in your routine something that you love to do. This way you’ll have the best chance of maintaining it.

For years I’ve forced myself to get up to exercise or cram in a couple of hours of work or study. It wasn’t particularly enjoyable and as a result, I never really cemented it into my day. 

Now I get up at 5:00 am to write, watch the sunrise, and enjoy a couple of big cups of coffee, on the couch. Not your average morning routine but it works for me because I find it blissful.  

You can create a full routine all at once and then move things in or out depending on how well they work for you. Or you can start with one element and do that for a week or so before adding another element.

Here are the basic elements that are great to include in your morning routine. Depending on the time you have available don’t hesitate to add others.  Be careful not to overwhelm yourself though. 

The Basic Elements of a Choice Theory Morning Routine

1. Decide on something you love and that will get you out of bed joyfully at least 5 mornings a week. You can reserve the right to change it if it doesn’t work for you, or even do different things on different days. A morning routine should serve you, not the other way around. 

2. How do you choose to show up today? This is something that you can decide on the night before. I try to stay aware of how I’m feeling throughout the day and this gives me ideas about how I want to show up tomorrow. Encapsulate your ideas about showing up into one or two words. 

Today I’m a human being…. and …

If you’re fearful you might set the following intention: – Today I’m a human being brave and optimistic.

If you’re feeling lacking in energy and drive you might set the intention: -Today I’m a human being energetic and enthusiastic.

3. Find a few things to be genuinely grateful for. Gratitude helps you to focus on what you’ve got rather than what you think is missing in your life. It helps to maintain a positive mindset. 

…and the rest is up to you…

Some Ideas for your Morning Routine 

  • Meditation
  • Exercise
  • Journalling
  • Reading
  • Taking supplements, juice, or drinking a glass of water with a squeeze of lemon juice
  • Prayer

These are all great things to include in your morning routine. But anything that you do with your full attention and that helps set you up for the day that you choose to have is fine. It’s perfectly possible to make school lunches, hang out the washing and empty the dishwasher mindfully and joyfully. 

By starting your day with a personal morning routine that you’ve created you’re setting it up intentionally. You can’t control everything that happens during your day, but you can control how you respond to it. Setting up a morning routine that you love will get you off to a very good start. 

A Choice Theory Meme a Day

Another great addition to a morning routine is to read one of our original memes that we send out every day for about six months. You can sign up for those by clicking the image above and then choosing the option on our homepage.

Thanks for reading 🙂  What kind of human will you be tomorrow?

Best Regards


P.S If you’d like to work with us on an organisational level head over to Choice Practice Institute

P.P.S If you’d like to book a counselling session with Jeff head over to Riviera Counselling

Deb and Jeff

5 Stress-Reducing Habits for the Holidays

Stress reducing habits for the holidays

Good habits are an important part of a successful life. Especially if they become your default setting. Things that you genuinely feel bad about not doing. Deeply ingrained good habits are like positive addictions. They will help get you through the most stressful times in your life and the holidays can be a very stressful time.

This holiday season comes with even more stresses and strains than usual. Many things that stress you these holidays you’ll have very little control over. Developing and maintaining good stress-reducing habits will not only help you to enjoy the holidays but they’ll also set you up very well for whatever 2021 has in store. 

1. Thought Control

An unruly mind, full of negative and pessimistic thoughts causes a lot of stress. Taking control of your mind is a stress-reducing habit that really works. To manage your thoughts, especially in a situation where you know that your needs aren’t being met, takes practice. But it’s extremely beneficial and well worth the effort. 

Only allow thoughts that serve you. When thoughts that undermine you or won’t lead to happy holidays pop-up, replace them authentically with better ones. It’s fine to feel disappointed because you can’t be with loved ones. Or because you don’t have enough money to give your children everything they want. But balance that out with thoughts of gratitude for what you do have. Think creatively about how you can make the holidays a wonderful time. Your thoughts directly impact the way you feel. Better thoughts lead directly to feeling better and having better experiences. 

2. Moderate Exercise

Moderate exercise turns on endorphins. Endorphins are your body’s natural defense against stress. Do some form of exercise you enjoy, where you enjoy doing it. For some people that will be walking in nature. For others, it will be doing a gym session or even a yoga session at home. Any form of gentle to moderate exercise works to reduce stress. Do it every day if you can. Exchanging your usual exercise for a pleasurable physical activity like gardening or playing energetically with the kids now and then, works well too.

3. Get enough Sleep

Sleep is so important in keeping stress levels down and yet it’s often one of the first things to elude you when you’re stressed. When you’re under pressure with too much to fit into each day it’s tempting to reduce your sleep hours. Having more waking hours each day won’t make you more productive if you’re sleepy and stressed. It will also make what you’re doing unsustainable and unpleasurable.  

Good sleep hygiene habits are a must.

– Keep your bedroom dark, quiet, and cool.

– Keep regular sleep hours.

– Stop working intensely at least an hour before you try to sleep.

– Don’t drink coffee or energy drinks late into the day.

– Watch your alcohol intake. Alcohol might send you off to sleep but it won’t  give you a good sleep and it can leave you feeling hungover the next day. 

If you’re still having trouble sleeping, practice relaxing your body, quietening your mind, and focusing on your breathing. If you have problems or a to-do list going around and around in your mind get up and write it all down. 

4. Redirection

Recognize when things are getting on top of you and break the stress cycle. Think of your stress levels like the heat that builds up in a pot on the stove. Ideally, you’d turn down the heat but when that isn’t possible you can take the lid off to keep everything from boiling over. 

You can redirect yourself by doing something relaxing and enjoyable. Whatever you choose to do take your thoughts with you. There’s no point in spending an hour in the garden if your thoughts are still on how you’re going to find a job.

You can also redirect yourself by doing something that needs to get done but is easy and low stress. 

5. Keep up your Dopamine Levels

Dopamine is your happiness hormone. Sleep, exercise, and doing enjoyable things increase dopamine levels but there are other things you can do to give yourself a hit of dopamine.

– Cuddles … and they don’t have to be with people, animals will do.

– Eat enough protein. Keep your diet as balanced and as enjoyable as    possible.

– Listen to your favorite music.

– Meditate … and you can meditate while you walk.

– Get enough sunlight, it really does make a difference

– Keep your lifestyle as balanced as possible.

You hopefully already have a number of these stress-reducing habits in your life. If you do hold onto them tightly. Don’t be tempted to let them go in because it’s the holidays or because you don’t “feel” like it. 

When you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed it’s easy to let things go, thinking that will help you feel better, but the opposite is true. While there can be a little initial relief by giving your morning work-out a miss, you’ll get more long-term benefits by pushing through and doing it. 

By making these habits the non-negotiables of your lifestyle you’ll be able to handle more stress when you need to. Good stress-reducing habits will make it possible for you to operate better in high-stress environments. 

Everyone goes through periods of high stress at some point in their life. Good stress-reducing habits will help you through these periods, but you should always look at the bigger picture. Why are you under so much pressure? Are you on a learning curve, dealing with something new, or managing something out of the ordinary? Under these circumstances, the period of overstress will be limited. You’ll eventually get back to less stress. 

If you’re stressed over something that’s a long-term part of your life and is likely to always be there, you need to start addressing the underlying causes. A great place to start with that is by downloading our Needs Profile Questionnaire in the sidebar.

To everyone who is reading this post we wish you the happiest holidays you can create. It can be a stressful time of year but it’s also a beautiful and special time of year that can be rewarding and rejuvenating if we let it. 

Best Wishes

Deb and Jeff

How to Deal with Stress and Anxiety Effectively

How to Swap your Inner Critic for an Inner Coach

Swap your inner critic for an inner coach
Why would you be your biggest critic when you could be your biggest supporter

Are you considering change, or pushing yourself through something challenging? Maybe life is dishing you up challenges that you never expected? All of these situations mean one thing. You’re likely to be confronted by your inner critic.

So who is this critic? Your so-called inner critic is nothing more than your own critical and negative thoughts that you allow into your mind.

Fortunately because you put the thoughts into your mind you can also remove them. Unfortunately it isn’t an easy thing to do. Especially if the thoughts have developed over many years.

Some are the result of beliefs about yourself that you’ve adopted from apparent evidence. This evidence could be repeated judgements by other people, unwanted outcomes, perceived mistakes or even difficulties that keep popping up in your life.

When people repeat a judgment of you, you can start to believe it. You start thinking the same thought as if it’s an irreversible, irrefutable fact. You create stories around your perceived failures, limitations, and difficulties. This can all get carried forward as the thoughts of your inner critic, whose job it is to protect you from re-living past pain or experiencing imagined pain. Your inner critic often gets vocal when your needs aren’t being met, or are threatened.

Why you Need to Accept your Inner Critic

Your inner critic is a protective mechanism. The thoughts you’re putting into your mind are a tactic to prevent you from doing what you fear and what you perceive on one level threatens your needs. Of course, on another level the very thing you fear is what will also meet your needs.

Critical thoughts are a barrier to your growth and they’ll keep you stuck if you let them. They can also send you off course. The brilliant plan you have to fulfil your dreams can be derailed by an inner critic if you make choices based on those belittling thoughts.

Allowing negative thoughts to circulate means that you’ll probably look to others for reassurance. This is fine in the short term but it isn’t sustainable in the long term.

Instead of resisting your inner critic accept it as remnants of habitual thinking that have held you back in the past.

Of course all the things your critic is throwing at you could possibly happen. Get the fears out of your head and down onto paper. Look at them in a balanced way and do what you can to address them. Then “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.” Fear is a normal response to moving outside of your comfort zone. Unless you can learn to sit with it you won’t be able to achieve everything that you want to.

Getting Creative

Your Inner Coach

When you’re bombarding yourself with negative and critical thoughts it’s not fun. And it can seem like you have no control. But your brain is infinitely creative, so use it.

Some people do this by giving their inner critic a funny name or their inner coach superhero status.This helps to lighten things up. It takes power away from the thoughts you want to eradicate and strengthens the thoughts you want to use.

It’s hard to be deeply affected by a funny old internal critic called Walter who tries to protect you as if you’re a ten-year- old. Your inner coach could be a super-hero type character or the best vision of your future self you can imagine.

Developing your Inner Coach

Swap your Inner Critic for an Inner Coachyour Sel

The negative thoughts that you attribute to your inner critic are a sign that you’re being challenged. You don’t need an inner critic but you could do with an inner coach. When you’re in a challenging situation a coach is useful.

A coach looks out for you, but in a balanced and positively realistic way. A coach is supportive and a coach is skilled. An inner coach can protect you better than your inner critic.

Develop your inner coach as a voice of reason. When you start putting the negative thoughts into your mind bring out that voice. Use that voice to remind you of what you’ve written down to address your fears.

You want your inner coach to be gentle but strong because when your inner critic is active you’re vulnerable. You need the same compassion that you’d offer someone close to you going through challenges. But you also want your inner coach to be a voice of strength that you can rely on to support you. Your inner coach should be firm, friendly and fair just like you are with others when supporting them through difficulties.

Create your inner coach to be your personal cheer leader when things get hard. But also to acknowledge and appreciate your efforts so that you’re not always looking outside of yourself for affirmation. Give yourself balanced feedback on things that you can improve on. And when called for kick your own butt!

Gradually you’ll find that the thoughts in your head are more aligned with an inner coach than that old inner critic. You may never entirely get rid of fear when taking on new things but appropriate fear is something to be aware of. Not something to be afraid of.

How to Overcome Situational Depression

Overcome Situational Depression
How to overcome situational depression

Situational depression, also known as adjustment disorder, is depression caused by your response to stress or loss. When a situation is particularly difficult to cope with, you can develop stress-related responses: e.g. racing thoughts, insomnia, anxiety, etc. If you can adapt to the new situation, or adapt the situation to cause us less stress, we should be able to recover more quickly.

Until I turned up at my doctor’s surgery asking for a week off work and anti-depressants …that I didn’t end up taking… I had never even heard of situational depression.

Thirty years previously I had been diagnosed with Bi-polar Disorder, so I guess you would have to say I was improved. But given that I had suffered a manic episode just a few months prior to this recent diagnosis, maybe I should have been diagnosed with Situational Bi-Polar Disorder? But is that even a thing?

Apparently not. It seems Bi-polar disorder is listed as a Major Depressive Disorder. This is curious because I took no medication and experienced no bi-polar symptoms, for fifteen years after I left my first marriage, which I found extremely stressful. Then I took on a stressful job which was fine for over a year until I was dealing with two very stressful clients and wham! – a manic episode, followed by supposed Situational Depression.

Educate Yourself

What can you take from this? If you’re  dealing with mental health issues you need to educate themselves. While doctors, especially GPs, can be useful, they generally don’t know that much about mental health. And mental health issues are very individual.

If I hadn’t educated myself, I might still be trying to live on the lithium/Prozac cocktail that I was prescribed after my initial diagnosis.  It hasn’t always been an easy road and I’ve had relapses. But I’ve learnt from them and I’m not addicted to a medication.

What Have I learned about my Mental Health?

I’ve learned that I have to pay attention to meeting my basic needs. If I don’t I develop stress responses which cluster into some form of depression. The quality of my wellbeing is directly related to how well I am  meeting my basic needs.

Basic Needs

So what are our basic needs?

We all have five needs: –


  • Health
  • Financial Security
  • Safety

Love and Belonging

  • Nourishing and supportive relationships
  • Sense of belonging
  • Intimacy


  • Independence
  • Creativity
  • Mobility
  • Choice


  • Learning
  • Amusement
  • Joy
  • Laughter


  • Internal control
  • Achievement
  • Acknowledgement
  • Influence

Dr William Glasser

According to William Glasser the importance of each need is unique to us all and remains constant throughout out life. It’s helpful to think of these needs as buckets, with the size of the bucket being the same for us throughout our life.

There’s an important thing to remember about this bucket analogy however. If your bucket is small but also very empty the need will feel large. An example would look like this:  You a low survival need but within a few weeks you lose our job, your home and your partner. Your bucket for survival might not be big but it’s virtually empty. So it will feel huge and suddenly your need for security will outweigh all your other needs. You  would experience the same increased need for survival if you were diagnosed with a terminal illness, even though our normal need for survival was low.

My Situational Depression

My situational depression raised its head when I felt like I couldn’t be effective in meeting my clients’ needs because of all our organisational protocols. I made judgement calls that I thought were correct, but my manager and our policies had a different view. I lost my confidence, I started making silly mistakes. I lost more confidence and became more stressed because I felt incompetent.  I told myself that I hated my job, when what I really hated was my response to my job and that was something that I could control.

If you’d like to understand your needs better fill out the form below and I’ll send you a Free Needs Profile Questionnaire.

Then I’d love you share your experiences with Situational Depression, or Bi-polar in the comments below.

Feel Great.

Deb 🌻

Don’t Let Fear Get In Your Way

Don't Let Fear Hold You Back

Fear is a powerful, primitive response that is supposed to alert you to a threat. That threat can be physical, psychological and even imagined. Unmanaged fear is an underlying cause of stress and anxiety, but the good news is that it can be addressed and used positively.

There is a huge range of fears. There are healthy fears of real dangers. It’s developmentally appropriate for example, for young children to have a certain level of fear around people they don’t know. It’s also realistic for you to feel a level of fear doing something new that’s potentially dangerous. At the other end of the scale, there is a multitude of mental health conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorders, and phobias. These diagnosed disorders all have elements of fear at their core.

Don't Let Fear Get In Your WayFear responses are very individual. Some kinds of fear can be enjoyable and even seen as necessary to some people. Being scared by watching a scary movie or terrifying yourself on the Tower of Doom at an amusement park are sought after experiences for many people. Extreme sportspeople and adventurers even crave the adrenalin and excitement that comes with activities that create fear.

Other people seek to avoid fear wherever possible. This can be limiting because there is likely to be a level of fear whenever you move outside your comfort zone and try something new.



An old acronym you may have heard of to describe fear is: False Evidence Appearing Real. This can be a useful way of looking at phobias and other conditions where fears are unrealistic. But it’s not an effective way of looking at legitimate fears.

If you’re fearful because you’re investing your life savings in a new business venture, that’s a realistic fear. Many new businesses don’t survive. If you’re fearful about an exam, that’s legitimate because if you fail you may have to repeat a unit of study or not be able to work in the field that you want to.


FEARAn effective way of dealing with this kind of fear is: Face it, Evaluate, Take Action, Re-evaluate.

Face it

Fears that aren’t faced don’t go aware they fester. It’s far better to face a fear. Acknowledge it as rationally and realistically as you can.


When Roosevelt said to the American people during the depression, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” he was talking about people rushing to the banks to withdraw their money. He went on to say: “nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”

Before taking action it’s important to remember that when you’re feeling afraid you may not be thinking clearly. Evaluating your fears and options before taking action is a valuable investment of time. Get feedback from people you trust to make sure that your perceptions are logical.


Action needs to be reasonable, realistic. Don’t make bad decisions just to ease your fear if what you’re doing is legitimately scary. Fears can be managed by thoughts and actions. Keep your thoughts optimistically realistic, make the best choices you can and take the best actions you can to achieve the result you want.


Life is a constantly changing landscape. Decisions and actions need to be regularly reviewed to make sure that they’re still valid and meet the needs of all concerned.

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway is a book by the late Susan Jeffers. Jeffers claims that the underlying cause of fear is a lack of belief in your ability to cope with a certain situation or outcome. She says that only by doing the things you’re afraid of can you overcome your fears. In the process, you will build your capabilities and your confidence.

Are Your Fears Stressing You?

Free Stress QuizFind out by taking our quick Free Stress Quiz.


As always if you have any questions, comments or feedback we would love to hear from you in the comments below. Your comments help others by your sharing and they also help this post to rank in Google where people can find it amongst all the online noise. So if this is something you think is valuable please take the time to leave a comment below before you go.

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What You Can Do When You Hate Your Job?

Set Yourself Free

At the moment just having a job can be a relief. But what can you do if you hate your job?

Hating your job is not a great idea. The declaration, “I hate my Job” can feel soothing, especially after a period of denial. It’s like a baring of your soul ……I HATE MY JOB!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE ASAP. Unfortunately, no amount of baying at the moon will do you any good. Your resentment, unhappiness, disinterest and disconnection will just make the toxicity at work worse. Your work quality and productivity will slip. You could lose the job that feeds your kids in a way that reduces your future options.

If you can afford to quit, or if there’s another better job on the horizon by all means go for it. But staying, for a while at least has its advantages. Being able to accept any tricky situation and find positives, is a valuable skill. You may no longer want your job. But while you still have it you may be able to use it to your benefit. If nothing else having a job that you don’t like is a perfect opportunity to practice a positive mindset.

Write a list of the positives for your job. I’ve started you off, but your list has to be unique to you, it has to make sense to you and it has to have meaning for you.

• A regular paycheque is always going to be a positive thing.
• Hating your job is showing you what you don’t want. Use this to figure out what you do want.
• Your job situation could be giving you the opportunity to learn how to manage a difficult relationship. It could be showing you a pattern where you’ve always backed down. You could take this and learn how to stand in your own power.
• Having something you have to do each day can be positive. It helps prevent you from being overwhelmed while you sort other things out.
• Keep your job but cut your hours back if you can. This gives you the chance to build a bridge to your new life. This is more comfortable than diving in to a swirling river of doubts and fears in order to get to the other side.
• If you haven’t decided what you want to do next, staying where you are for the time-being can work as a placeholder. It lets you figure out your next step. Use your current job as a guide to your next step by understanding which of your needs it meets, and which of your needs it doesn’t.
• Whatever your job is it will give you some opportunity to contribute. That’s great for your Power Needs.
• Not enjoying your job could motivate you to work your butt off on a new business, study for a new career or investigate a new job and prepare yourself to be a strong candidate.
• You can use vacation/holiday time and sick leave to work on creating the future you want.

The best way to create joy, peace and satisfaction in life is to properly understand and meet your needs. There will always be some way within your job for you to do that. Download our Free Needs Profile Questionnaire to better understand your needs. Use that information in deciding on where you go from here.

As always if you have any questions, comments or feedback we would love to hear from you in the comments below. Your comments help others by your sharing and they also help this post to rank in Google where people can find it amongst all the online noise. So if this is something you think is valuable please take the time to leave a comment below before you go.

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How Do You Deal With Anxiety and Depression?

You Can't Feel Good When You Think Bad

You Learn How to Deal Effectively With Stress

Yes, it’s actually that simple. Learn how to deal with stress effectively and you won’t have to deal with anxiety and depression.

But what if you’re already anxious and depressed?

It’s not too late! Learning how to deal with stress will hugely improve your depression and anxiety. Sign up now for our quick stress quiz to see how well you’re doing that right now. This gives you are starting point so you can see what you need to work on.

… Things That Will Help

Don’t Do Things You Hate If You Can Help It

In fact, don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Find another way, negotiate, teach yourself to enjoy whatever it is, compromise if you must, but don’t keep doing something that you really don’t want to do. It’s very stressful.

Get Some Decent Shut-Eye ….Preferably Without Pills

When I hated my job and I was dealing with anxiety and depression I didn’t sleep well. Sometimes I didn’t sleep at all. Not sleeping at all is dangerous. So is regularly not getting enough sleep. It can lead to all sorts of problems.

When you have buffalo running around in your head and you can’t shut them down.  Sometimes the only way to get any sleep is to take some meds. But there are downsides… they can give you a weird sleep, make you drowsy the next day and give you a dry mouth the next morning. They are also addictive. Use sleeping pills sparingly and learn some alternative strategies asap.

  • Keep your bedroom cool and as dark as possible
  • Don’t work late into the night. Put work away at least an hour before bedtime
  • Say goodbye to coffee after lunch
  • Reduce your alcohol use. It might help you crash at times but it also causes you to wake-up. Alcohol is a depressant so it just adds to depression and anxiety in the end
  • Set a routine for going to sleep and waking up
  • Stay away from computer screens before bed. If you must use screens at night use f.lux to adjust your screen for night use. It’s a free download
  • Relax your body, focus on your breathing and try to clear your head
  • … if that doesn’t work, get up and do something relaxing
  • If you have problems that are keeping you awake get up and write everything out. Including solutions

Learn to Manage Your Thoughts

You Can't Feel Good When You Think Bad

Your thoughts have a direct impact on the way you feel. You can’t feel good when you think bad.

Don’t allow thoughts that make you feel angry, sad, depressed or anxious.

Change negative thoughts to thoughts that are kinder and more positive. “I have no friends I’m a loser” can easily change to “I’m grateful for the people in my life. I’ll reach out and work on making new friends.” Ask someone you trust for their ideas. They will see you much more positively.

If the negative thoughts keep coming, distract yourself by doing something that you love and that needs your focus.

Some gentle exercise every day will give you lots of helpful hormones. No excuses …Do It!!

Don’t Sweat What You Can’t Control

You can only control yourself. You will cause yourself a lot of unnecessary anxiety and depression by resisting things you can’t control or aren’t ready to.  There is huge peace in accepting what is. You can still work to change what you’re doing. But you will be so much happier if you work towards change from a point of acceptance rather than resistance.

Is there anything in your life that you’re resisting and which is causing you to suffer as a result?

As always if you have any questions, comments, or feedback I’d love to hear from you in the comments below. Your comments help others. They also help this post to rank in Google where people can find it amongst all the online noise. So if this is something you think is valuable please take the time to leave a comment below before you go.

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PS: If you haven’t already completed the Stress Quiz give it a go. It really will give you a great idea of where you need to start getting on top of your anxiety and depression.

Free Stress Test – Really Quick!

Free Stress Quiz

Free Stress QuizHow Well You Do You Handle Stress and Anxiety?

There is a wide variance in the way that people handle. At one end of the scale are people who thrive on stress and actively seek it out. Extreme sportspeople and people who work in high-stress environments are just a couple of examples.

At the other end of the scale, there are the people who will do everything they can to avoid stress in their lives. The rest of us fit somewhere in between.

So stress isn’t inherently bad. Even though when you’re feeling overstressed it can feel very bad.

What’s important is how you manage the stress in your life and why you are in fact creating it.

Why Is Managing Stress Well So Important?

How you manage stress and anxiety is an important key to unlocking your potential. Do it well and you can grow to the point where you operate in your “zone”.

This “zone” of perfect stress is also known as being in a state of “eustress” and is the state that top achievers aim for. In this state you optimise your productivity, your output feels effortless, everything just works.

If you don’t learn to manage stress properly you will soothe yourself with different behaviours. Some of these behaviours are positive; like mindfulness, gentle exercise and doing activities that bring you joy. We call this stress first aid, they are helpful, but they don’t address the underlying causes of stress and anxiety.

You may also choose destructive behaviours like drinking alcohol for stress relief, overeating, gambling etc. The video below shows how this works.

Make An Investment In Yourself Today!

You can learn everything you can about stress and anxiety but in the end, to change how you feel, to feel better, you will have to take some positive action. You have the chance right now to take a quick five-minute quiz and start a journey that could change your life!

As always if you have any questions, comments or feedback we would love to hear from you in the comments below. Your comments help others by your sharing and they also help this post to rank in Google where people can find it amongst all the online noise. So if this is something you think is valuable please take the time to leave a comment below before you go.

Thanks again